At Least I Have Jeans Now

Allow me to paint you a picture of our recent (approximately 3 hour ago recent) shopping trip.  First, there's mom (me), dressed in a 12 year old long sleeve shirt from my high school junior powderpuff football team and what I can only describe as Mom Pants.  Truly, these things are so much the quintessential Mom Pants that I don't even know why I keep them around, nor why I wear them so frequently.  I assume that is how all Mom Pants get their name as moms like me don't get a whole lot of chances to shop (for themselves) and so non-trendy but comfortable clothing gets held on to and worn far too often, thus earning itself a name...I digress.  (these are almost as bad as the day I went out in ill-fitting skinny jeans and tennis shoes, but that's another story).
Then there are my kids.  For some reason I put a cute polo bodysuit on my son today and then decided to pair it with a pair of baggy sweatpants...he looked like a nerd from the 1960's, don't ask me what I was thinking other than that we rarely stay in one outfit from am to pm, today of course, being the exception...and finally Evelyn, who was wearing a cute body suit that had originally been outfitted with a sassy bright blue pair of pants but had been replaced for naptime by some of her brother's too-short sweatpants.  A better mother would have changed her back after she woke up from her nap and on a whim decided to go shopping for light bulbs and pacifiers, but it was an "ugly day" at the Heemstra household and I hadn't planned to go anywhere that afternoon so I guess the trip to Target caught me as off-guard as it did them.
As I pushed the stroller into Target I found myself noticing how nicely everyone was dressed for Tar-jay, but then I remembered, hey, it's not Walmart! And instantly felt disgusting.  Oh well, I grabbed some pacifiers for Elijah, some lightbulbs, and as I headed towards the register I realized that Maurices is right next door and they are currently having a BOGO half off sale that ends tomorrow.  Momentarily forgetting how truly terrible we all looked I thought, I'll go there!  The reason I'm dressed like this in the first place is because I have zero jeans (just tore a hole in my last pair last week), and the sale ends tomorrow!
So in the checkout lane I grabbed a bag of fruit snacks and off we went...Entering Maurices I again became aware of how terrible I looked (here is your glimpse into a woman's mind, truly we think about our appearance that often), especially as I worked to force the double side-by-side stroller through the only working door.  Upon finally entering the store I realized there would be no easy maneuvering but was grateful for the well-dressed and perfectly coiffed woman who immediately asked me what I was looking for (she could tell how badly I needed new clothes, I think).  I told her I needed jeans and what size, and off she went to find some for me.  She brought me no less than 15 pairs and we wedged ourselves into the handicapped dressing room; stroller, twinners, and all. 
Since we were locked into a dressing room and the natives were getting restless I let them out to clamber about the room.  That was when I remembered that the door latch was broken and Evleyn repeatedly opened the thing while I tried desperately to cover my big white butt each time.
To save time I'll just give you bullet points of what happened during the rest of our time in the dressing room:
-Elijah banged a hanger on every surface to find out what each one sounded like.
-Evelyn ate about 3/4 of the bag of fruit snacks and an entire granola bar
-Evelyn opened the door 3,478 times
-Elijah did a bellyflop off the bench and screamed bloody murder in a bathroom-sized room (think echoing baby screams)
-People nearby began commenting on the unhappy child in the room next door
-I happened to mention to the dressing room attendant that I needed t-shirts and she brought me approximately 17 styles that all looked terrible on me
-I began sweating
-My face got red
-I rethought ever having left my house in the first place
-I had a moment of terror that Elijah might have fallen hard enough to be bleeding on the ugly and ill-fitting shirt I was wearing when I picked him up to comfort him

Finally, two pairs of jeans secured, we exited the dressing room (catching the handle of the stroller on the handle of the door on our way out causing me to curse repeatedly under my breath because it took me a full minute to free it) and tried to make our way to the register.  This is when I found myself hopelessly stuck.  All the other women in the store, well-dressed and adorable as they were, seemed oblivious to me and my giant stroller and blocked my every turn.  As I squeezed through the final obstacle between us and the register the stroller caught a few pairs of pants and...you guessed it...the whole danged thing fell over.  About 30 pairs of jeans and at least as many shirts littered the floor.  The store got quiet.  I sweat more profusely, Elijah screamed.
At the checkout line Evelyn grabbed the pen to the credit card machine and tried to pull it off the table, she stood up in her seat (she was not buckled back in) and tried to sweep stuff off the counter.  Elijah just stood and cried, even as women nearby who had children and were piteous of me and my plight tried to calm him.  At long last the cashier produced Smarties (bless her!), and we settled into blessed quiet.
As the sales lady held the doors open for me and I finally exited into the cool air, as frustrated, grumpy, and slightly embarrassed as I was, I was just so grateful that I could go home and take off the damn Mom Pants!!