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Saturday, February 18, 2012

Sometime I Just Have to Put My Thoughts Into Words

I've been thinking about adoption a lot lately.  By lately I mean in the last three years or so.  When we first found out that having a baby wasn't going to be easy for us, we knew we had two basic options- use medical intervention, or adopt.  But really, it's never that simple, is it?  At first we said "no IVF," I didn't like the idea of making a whole bunch of embryos (I'd heard of people ending up with 12+ in frozen storage), and I figured that if we had to go that far down the road, it was a sign we should adopt.

The thing is, going that far down the road, happened a lot sooner than I thought.  Within about 9 months we were standing on the doorstep of IVF and, having researched adoption, the price tag was looking very appealing.  Add other things like wanting to experience pregnancy and infancy, desireing to have a biological child, and finding out that we could pick the number of eggs fertilized, suddenly IVF seemed like the best option.

A little over two years later and I have two adorable, precious, wonderful kids that I wouldn't get up for the world.  But I feel a little sad.  I don't think everyone is called to adopt, but I know that even if every single happily married couple adopted just one kid, there would still be orphans out there that needed homes.  This is staggering to me, and the thing is, Andy and I have hearts for adoption.  We also have five, 5, 5!!!  Frozen embryos in storage...just waiting.

Here's the kicker.  I don't think God gives people a desire to adopt if He isn't going to provide the way.  But right now, I'm just not seeing it.  Money is not something we have a lot of, and we probably never will.  If we are called to have lots of children, I'm going to have to get over myself and my love of shopping.  For real, it will be hard for me.  I might have to give up hopes of travelling, a beautiful house, lots of animals, oh, and free time.  Yeah, that free time thing is gonna have to go, even more so than how it is now.

So today, with butterflies in my stomach, a lump in my throat, and a whole lot of unknowns, I'm praying that God will make it oh so clear to me what this burning desire to help His Little Ones is going to look like.  Maybe we're not going to adopt, maybe my part is to be an advocate for these little voices, I'm just not sure yet.

But if it is adopting a child or children ourselves, then I am going to have to be prepared for the possiblity of some pretty tough things.  Besides the things we might have to give up, we are either going to have a whole lot of kids (by the time I carry and deliver more of our own, using up our five embryos, and then adopt), or there is the possibility that somehow our embryos are not going to result in five babies. In reality I never expected all of them to result in pregnancies, statistically that is almost unheard of.  So some might not survive freezing, there might be miscarriage, or just an innability to get pregnant again.  I'm not trying to be morbid, these are the facts, with any pregnancy really.  There are twinges of fear in me, and some really big pokes of fear, but I know that whatever the plan, it's God's plan, so we are going to be ok.

Since none of this is going to happen next week (I have plenty on my plate right now), and it doesn't do to dwell on dreams (name that movie), I'll continue to pray for clarity that might not come any time soon.  In the meantime, check out this blog: http://www.nogreaterjoymom.com/ if she doesn't get you thinking about God's desires for His children, nothing will.


karen said...

No matter what happes/which road you both go down, you will always have our love and support in whichever decisions are made. Do what you believe is right, continue to trust in God.. what's ment to be will be. We love you all!!

kkp said...

on a totally unrelated note, your blog template is all whacked.

Krista said...

it is?! How so, are you sure it's not your connection?

Anonymous said...

I just ran across your blog and this post. I can relate to your back and forth re: adoption. I have had many of those same feelings for awhile too. I am a mom to a wonderful little girl with Down syndrome (biological daughter) and am an avid reader of the blog you included in your post. The need to adopt orphans with special needs from places like Eastern Europe and Russia is great. And the rewards are tremendous (I never knew I wanted and needed a child with DS until my daughter was born). I encourage you to research these ministries further - especially Reese's Rainbow. And, in many cases, these children's files come with privately donated grant money to help off-set the adoption and travel costs. All the best to you. Your twins are adorable! :)