The Follow-Up Post

I promised a post about my "deep thoughts and turmoil."  I'm sure you've all been waiting with bated breath...maybe not but here it is, because recording these things helps me process them and I enjoy looking back later.  I also hope that somewhere out there, there is someone who might need to know they aren't alone in what they feel about a change of plans.

First of all, like so many changes in life we've gotten used to the idea of having a baby now and are so thankful for this blessing for so many reasons.  I won't apologize for being unsure at first, it's natural to struggle with a major life change you never saw coming, even if it seems to others that it would be your dream come true!  But I'm thankful to be on the other side of that (though I will admit I may never get over the "oh my goodness we are starting ALL OVER from SQUARE ONE" thing;).

I have never liked to be a stereotype (which is, ironically, stereotypical of my generation- ha!) and so being "that" couple that got pregnant while trying to adopt was...not my first choice.  More importantly though, I didn't want those comments, the ones I've already gotten, the ones I'll tell you right now- DON'T MAKE because no one wants to hear them:
#1- "You just needed to relax."  Nothing is more insulting to a person who has struggled with infertility than hearing this.  If you think about it, it's easy to see why- basically you're saying that by wanting something so badly, she sabotaged her own efforts.  In other words- it's your fault you didn't get pregnant until now. Ouch!  Plus, this is just untrue.  If it were true, women in high-powered positions would not get pregnant, women in war-torn countries with hardly any food to eat would not get pregnant.  It has (almost) nothing to do with just relaxing.
#2- "Now you don't have to adopt, isn't this better?"  No kidding, word. for. word. I've had at least one person say this and many others imply it.  I get it, I do.  If you aren't "into" adoption, you might see it as a second choice.  But as I've said before- it was not our second choice.  It was the 2nd step in our personal process for building our family.  We felt it was a good idea, for us, to have bio kids first, but it was/is/never will be our second choice or last resort.  This comment hurts me for my friends that have adopted and have their kids home and are so in love and so certain of this plan for their lives- please, even if you don't get it, just don't say it.
I feel like I should add that I don't honestly remember who has/hasn't said these things to me.  I am not offended by them so much as I find them a bit predictable and insensitive.  I usually try to give a response that will cause the person saying it to think a bit, but I don't go home and cry or hold a grudge.  I understand that these things are said out of a lack of empathizing with the situation and/or just not knowing what else to say,

So here is what I know(the list is short).
-There is a plan for this baby.  This baby is not here just to teach mom and dad a lesson about how we are not in control.  This baby, as someone else so eloquently put it in an article I read recently, "has been part of the plan since time immeasurable."  While I'm sure that we are meant to be reminded of Who is in control, I also know baby #3 has a WHOLE life, whether short or over 100 years long, full of relationships and people he/she will impact besides just our family.  I don't know why our adoption was put on hold right now, except that I know for a fact that there needed to be room right now for this pregnancy and this baby.
-And yes, I said the adoption is on hold.  That's because Andy and I still believe 100% wholeheartedly without a doubt that we are meant to help with orphan care.  Somehow.  Perhaps we're back to the idea of refugee foster care, maybe it will be an older child later, maybe it will be helping others financially with their adoptions, most likely it will be in the form of another curve ball we could never even think of.

Unwittingly I came up with a pretty good metaphor as Andy and I tried to sort out our feelings the first night after we'd learned about our little surprise.  I said: "It's like you're going on vacation.  Which is great, and you're planning to go one place so you make plans, pick activities, and get excited.  Then you find out that you are actually going somewhere totally different.  It's still vacation and it's still great, there are great things to do in this new place too.  But you have to get used to the idea of the change.  You might be bummed to not get to experience the things you'd started getting excited about, and you also might plan to visit that place another time.  You don't stop wanting to go to that first place, and perhaps there is even a feeling of missing out, but you allow yourself to get excited about the new destination."

We were excited to have a biracial family.  We loved that idea for us and for all our children.  We were excited to adopt a child we were as certain as we could be would not have a good life or people who wanted it.  We had decided to adopt an HIV positive child and (I, more than Andy, but he was coming around) were excited to become advocates for a group of people that is hugely misunderstood.  We had a picture of our family in our minds and in it was a little blank spot with a shadow of a brown-skinned child (or more than one) who's features we had yet to make out clearly.  That picture has changed a lot but our hearts haven't.
My husband is a pretty amazing pilot, but Praise the Lord- God is even better.  We trust him to get us to the correct destination and I know that when we look back on the memories of this new destination, we won't be able to imagine life without this particular detour :)

Baby #3

About 6 weeks ago we got the surprise of our lives...Baby #3 is on it's way!  I've spent much of the last six weeks trying to figure out how to describe our thoughts and feelings but I want to keep it as simple as I can for those who only want the nitty-gritty and not my story of emotional turmoil, I promise to post that later ;)

As you know if you've read my old posts; we've had our issues having babies.  Lots of ups and downs, loses, disappointments, and though each event that resulted in a lack of a pregnancy was a time of mourning, we eventually got to a point where we were quite ok with the fact that we were not going to have another newborn.  I'll say it now and keep it simple- Adoption was NEVER a second choice for us.  We may have decided to have biological kids if we could first, but it was NOT something we landed on because we "had" to.  We have always wanted adoption for our family.

So, since getting on the adoption train a few months ago we've been gung-ho, praying about our options and choices, talking a lot at home alone and with family and friends.  There was so much that went into some of these choices and babies have been FAR from our minds.  Throughout the process, even though I felt I'd be devastated if it happened, I asked God to stop us if this was not what we were supposed to be doing.  Each time I asked for a "STOP" if it was necessary, I felt we got a lot of affirmation- from verses I read, people I spoke to, doors opening, even money that was there right when we needed it.
Then, in March, I had a few things going on with my health that were a little odd.  Nothing I couldn't write off to something else- for example I'd been due for a thyroid check and had a script, so when I got super tired one week I decided to go finally have it done.  The following Sunday I brought our adoption announcements (Thank you for your help on those, Nikki!) to church, put them in boxes, then headed to the service.
The sermon that day?  God's Sense of Humor, focusing on God's Interesting Timing.  The thought had crossed my mind once or twice in the previous days to take a pregnancy test, but when you've gone through what we have, and you value your sanity, you don't rush and and buy one very easily.
While I listened to our pastor speak about Abraham and Sarah's desire for a child, their efforts to "get one" another way, and God's "last laugh" when they finally had one on their own....I KNEW.  I could hardly stand to sit in my seat.  I grabbed my friend after church and took her to the store with me, we headed down to the church basement (since the kids were still in Sunday School) and lo and behold that thing turned positive!

Immediately I sent my friend back upstairs to take all those adoption announcements out of boxes and I called Andy.  Poor guy, he was literally stepping into the plane (I could hear it powering up behind him) when I shared the news.  He said "Ok honey, I gotta go, I love you!"  Then he proceeded to get into the plane and stare at the controls blankly until his co-pilot offered some assistance ;)

Crazy story, huh?  So here we are- back to square one with a gap of four years between kids!  The twins are excited- they got to hear the heartbeat last week- so Evie keeps asking when her baby sister is coming out (she's convinced it's a girl and will not hear any arguments).  Elijah tells me from time to time "I like your baby, Mama," and asks weird questions like "Does the baby get wet when you take a shower?"  So we're adjusting to this new future we are just now getting a glimpse of and knowing there is a plan for this baby since OBVIOUSLY we were meant to get pregnant right now.  Just waiting to see what this little one is going to add to our family!  :)

(Stay tuned for more of my musings about this new revelation, if you're into that kind of stuff.)

Expecting

Finally!  We get to let you in on a little "secret" we've been hiding for awhile ("secret" is in quotes because it's not common knowledge but it's not really been a secret either!)  A new little person will soon be joining our family!  Since most of you know that pregnancy and newborn babies do not appear to be in the plan for us anymore, this little one will be joining us by way of adoption from Ethiopia, and we could not be more thrilled!

This all feels like the culmination of years of thinking, praying, wishing, and learning, so while some of you may know adoption has always been on our radar, for others of you this might come as a surprise. Thankfully God loves surprises and has been preparing us for this one for quite awhile.  When Andy and I first got married the question of adoption came up- I think we arbitrarily had a conversation about it one day. I'm pretty sure I (Krista) asked Andy if he'd ever consider it, he said yes, I was faintly surprised, and we moved on.

Then, when we tried to start a family, the question came up again as we considered our options for handling our troubles having biological children.  We visited Adoption Associates, we visited The Fertility Center, and at that point in our lives adoption got put on the back burner as we decided for many reasons that trying to have bio children first was the best way for us to get started.  Fast forward 4 years and here with are, with 2 children, no desire to proceed with more fertility treatments (after several failed attempts), and still wanting to add to our family.  Back to Adoption Associates we went and from there to the Ethiopia Special Needs program.

We don't know a lot right now; we haven't specified a gender since we don't really care either way (though we've heard a boy is most likely), and we agree with AAI that an adopted child should be younger than the twins, preferably by at least 9 months.  We also know that for us, the term Special Needs will be defined as a physical problem ranging from a minor deformity, to vision or hearing difficulties, to HIV.  There are a lot of unknowns right now, but we DO know that God has a little one already planned for us and we cannot wait to find out more about him/her and for more and more light to be shed, revealing His plan.

If you know much about adoption you know that nothing is certain (not an easy thing for this planner, semi-type-A personality to accept!) and things, more likely than not, will move slowly the majority of the time. We are doing our best to prepare ourselves and our family for just about anything, but would covet your prayers of support throughout this process.  Pray specifically for Eli and Evie, that they would be able to approach this new sibling with love and excitement.  Pray for our adopted little one that he/she will stay healthy while waiting and will transition to our family life smoothly.  Please also pray for his/her biological family- we cannot know all the details of how or why our child has become orphaned but we are very aware that our joy in adding another family member comes to us because of other's loss(es).  My heart breaks to think of the loss our child will already have experienced in his/her short life by the time we are able to bring him/her home as well as the loss his/her family is experiencing in not being able to raise this little one.

Something you may not know, is that adoption, whether international or domestic is not an inexpensive undertaking.  Currently we are expecting our adoption to cost between $30,000 and $40,000.  While we anticipate being able to cover about half of the funds ourselves, we will still need to do significant fundraising along the lines of $10,000-$20,000, to allow us to bring our little one home.  We are also planning to apply for some of the wonderful grants we have been told about and would appreciate prayers on our behalf for those.  If you would like to be a part of our adoption story and support us financially we would of course, be very, very thankful.
We have been so blessed by the love and support we have already been shown from friends and family as we've gotten started in this time of expectation.  While the wait may be longer or shorter than the typical pregnancy, our "nine months" starts now!